Turning 29

Every birthday wish that came today was accompanied by "first bday with the kids" or "enjoy with the babies". An innocent statement on its own.. but this is exactly what made this birthday very different.

I have been used to being the centre of attention on this day. I like my birthday and I have been used to planning things the way I want, be it a quite dinner or a get together with friends. 

For the first time, nothing was in my hands. As the clock struck 12, I was faced with the prospect of two babies who didn't want to sleep. As the night wore on and they remained awake, I sunk into despair. 

"It's MY birthday, and I don't even get to sleep" kept running in my brain. Boy sat there asking me to sleep and telling me that he will take care. But this meant that the person I wanted to spend the day with would be exhausted! Rather have all hands on deck now.

When I did finally manage to get some shut eye and wake up , it was time for feeding, bath time for babies and no time for me. Once the babies were finally clean and sleepy, I called my mom and cried.

Me and Boy tried to turn the day around by heading out for some "us" time, but the moment we ate some food, exhaustion hit us like a ton of bricks and we rushed home.

This might just seem like a millennial whining about things that a boomer sailed through, but then again, our boomer parents made our birthdays a big deal! 

When I called crying, my mom berated her grandsons for not sleeping, and that was all I wanted to hear. This was of course followed by the solid logic that they are too tiny to know these things and obviously they didn't sleep because something was bothering them and they have no ways of expressing. 

My brain understands that. But my brain is very slow these days. 

After a decent afternoon nap, I was able to appreciate the cuteness of the entire thing, but this is still very very new. 

It's isn't like work or chores or even self care, where I can take a day off and be okay with it. These two humans are (primarily) my responsibility. I doubt if any of us appreciate the enormity of it when we decide to have a baby.

When they smile at me, I melt. The term bundle of joy comes to mind. But sometimes, this bundle comes with a lot of accompanying baggage and I think it's okay to find that to be quite a lot to carry!