When the dudes became dads...

Mother’s Day just went by, and like any other social media user, I was bombarded with Mom content. The good thing was that a major portion of it was focused on what mothers really want for Mother’s Day — A little bit of peace and respite from all the problem-solving. 

I am not much for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day — it comes, it goes. Now that I am basically turning into my mom, I appreciate her way more often than just once a year.

But obviously, Instagram keeps me aware of these things.

Now that Father’s Day is around the corner, we are going to see a barrage of ads, all featuring:

a) a dad carrying his son/daughter on his shoulders in a sepia tone 

b) a grown son gifting his expensively-suited dad an (obviously expensive) watch

c) a grown daughter in wedding finery playing a silly childhood game with her teary-eyed, old, dad.

I am sure you know EXACTLY what I am talking about and I, for one, am sick and tired of these cliches. 

It was refreshing to see us slowly crawling our way out of the Amma sentiment (on Instagram, at least), I hope we tackle the problem of dads next. 

There are some things best left in the 90s (like bucket hats), and one of them is the role given to the father in a household. Even on social media (which supposedly keeps with the times), the dads are the ones who are clueless about baby care, have no idea which class/section their kid studies in, is the “ATM”, and are just bumbling along till the above mentioned Raymond-ad kinda moment.

But these are a poor representation of the dads of today.

When the news of my pregnancy was shared, Kartik got calls from his friends, not just to congratulate and crack “yen-pondatti-oorukku-poyitta” jokes, but to offer advice, to tell him to be understanding of changes I was about to go through, to give him details of the paperwork for birth certificates.. 

We are no longer in the times when fathers saw their babies only after they were able to sit on their own. My mom jokes that she didn’t want my dad anywhere near the hospital when I was born because he wouldn't have been able to handle it. 

Now, the dad is usually present for the birth, inside the labour room, with the mom. I think this makes a world of difference. When you are actively involved in bringing a human to life, it changes you.

There are a few things that only a mother can do. This has been extrapolated to imply that every baby-related activity is the mother's job. The men of today are changing this. When you are up in the middle of the night holding a baby that is crying for God-only-knows-what, it is nice to have your partner there to share your look of abject terror with. Even diaper duty is bearable with a companion.

As we had twins, it made practical sense to split the work to get it all done. We simultaneously learned to feed, change, bathe, entertain, and put the kids to sleep. Like any classroom where students of different calibres learn the same things and yet one becomes the topper, we found that Kartik was naturally excellent at baby-handling. 

The difference in the nature of our jobs meant that he was the almost stay-at-home parent while I was the clueless ‘90s dad’ who didn’t know whose toothbrush was pink and whose was purple (The boys like to switch it up for fun!) 

One day, as I was putting the kids to sleep, my son held my hand and said reassuringly “I'll go to school tomorrow, you go to the office, Appa will stay at home, okay?” 

I think he meant to tell me that he has somebody to take care of him and I needn’t worry. 

When I replayed this incident to Kartik, he puffed up with pride.

It isn’t just Kartik, many new dads are completely involved in this new phase of their lives. When the friends' gang meet, I see guys swapping parenting hacks amid their usual conversations. We close the night early because all of us have to get home for the bedtime routine. Dads and Moms are splitting the sleepless nights.

Times are changing. Men are realizing what a joy it is to raise tiny versions of themselves. For so long, they had been denied that. They had been told that a man’s place was not in the kitchen or the nursery. 

"My dad is my hero", "My dad is Superman", and "I am my dad’s princess" are all said by older children, who have crossed infancy and toddlerhood with their moms and then entered childhood with their dads.

I don't think the current generation would say this. Their dads won’t be superheroes or kings — mythical and authoritative. 

Their dads will be their safe space, the hand to hold in fear, the one to rush to in confusion, the warm hug of security. Their dads will be equal to their moms. One of the parents who brought them to this world and cherished them as their world. 

P.S. If you are a dad and you aren't like this by the end of this post, I have failed.

P.P.S Shout out to Phil Dunphy: dad-extraordinaire